“You are not there, and this conversation is not happening.” I assumed what was meant to be a pose of studied nonchalance.
The six-inch tall gargoyle-ish thing in a garish red-and-yellow-checked jacket that was certainly not perched on my right shoulder contemplated me, amused, and said, “You can see me. You can hear me. You can feel my weight on you. And you just spoke to me. Clearly, wrong on all counts. Why is this so hard to believe?”
“You have the head of Richard Nixon, for starters. I’m pretty sure this says something disturbing about my psyche -- I mean on top of the general fact of seeing you in the first place -- but does lend confidence to the hallucination interpretation.”
“Nah, I just have a quirky sense of humor. I considered going with the robot Satan look, like Futurama, but it lacked a certain subtlety,” said the Nixongoyle, and then licked his own elbow.
“Oh, so this a variable thing, is it?” I fired back. “Well, then I demand to be haunted by a six-inch tall Keira Knightley in a tight cocktail dress.”
“I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request.” The Nixongoyle smirked. Actually the Nixgoyle had more or less a permanent smirk. But it intensified here.
“Anyway, we’re on a crowded street. Yet nobody is staring or pointing at you. What do you have to say to that, Tricky?” I offered, in a weak approximation of triumph.
“I said you could see me. I didn’t say they could. I prefer to keep this between us; some of them are probably dirty hippies. Besides, everybody is busy dealing with their own demons..... You see what I did there?” Smug Nixongoyle is smug.
“Wait a minute -- now you want me to believe there’s a bunch of other people out there with annoying little monsters riding around on their shoulders? Then why don’t I see anyone else talking to themselves constantly, eh?” I was sure I had the hallucination pinned down this time.
“You do,” he replied calmly. “But the other hosts spent less time being argumentative motherfuckers and more time doing things like buying bluetooth earpieces. Which you might want to consider, by the way, because people are going to start noticing your monologue soon, and conspicuousness is going to interfere with our plans.” The Nixongoyle turned and stared in the direction of an apparently random empty shoulder and, called, “Hey, Gerry, I owe you one, buddy!”
I sighed. “First of all, Tricky, watch your language. There’s kids around.”
Nixongoyle raised an eyebrow. I thought about what I’d said, and banged my head against a nearby brick wall before continuing.
“Second of all, what do mean, ‘our plans’? Because I for one, plan to go home, take a long nap, and wake up alone.”
“No, my friend, we’re gonna go rob a bank.” The Nixongoyle looked at me expectantly.
“You know, you’re constitutionally barred from seeking another term in office. There’s no point in plotting dirty tricks now. Also, that’s totally insane. Naptime it is.”